One thing about this blog that I think provides value for myself is that it forces me to think and re-think ideas around my health. This is something I have been doing a lot over the past few months in an attempt to understand my choices. This has been turbocharged in the past few weeks in an attempt to write some content. One of these ideas is the fundamental question of why is this process so hard.

I wrote a post about a year ago in October What Would Winning the Lottery Mean. The idea of this post was for me to examine what would be different in my life if I won a large fortune. What I would be willing do if I could facilitate that outcome. And then how that outcome of financial freedom would mirror some of the same benefits as losing the weight that causes so much dysfunction in my life. I liked that post, it made sense to look at it from a that point of view. Why is it so hard to just stick to something that leads to something so very valuable. But on further reflection, I have come up with an idea that could somewhat explain why I find that notion has a flaw. I still think it is valid, but it does have a weakness I believe.

My 600lbs Life in reflection

There is a show that is on some evenings called my 600lbs life. Now normally I do not watch tv of this nature but something caused me to catch a few episodes this past while and it got me thinking. This show showcases individuals battling very severe obesity. The obesity has so ravaged their life they can hardly move, look after themselves and are an extreme risk for death. It then follows their battle to lose enough weight to get surgery in an last attempt to save themselves. It is like a hyper example of the battle people such as myself are facing, with the consequences even more severe in that it is both massively debilitating and time sensitive. These people need to do something now, or they need to accept that they will not be around much longer. Some succeed, and some don’t, and it was those who did not, or struggled mightily that got me most thinking. This was not just “winning the lottery” in changing their life for these people, it was instead the very near term end to that life with no more chances. Why would they not just do what the doctor would say and eat a low calorie diet to avoid this?  

I Felt it Time for some serious self monitoring

All this raised questions on how it paralleled my own failures in doing whatever it took to make my life so much better. So I began to really closely follow why I would sabotage myself each day. Most of my day involved starting the day drinking a healthy smoothie, some exercises, and a reasonable caloric intake. So I would focus on those moments of lapse, the ordering of a pizza, a trip for some ice cream, or just general overeating in the evenings. I determined that for me, as I suspect for those in the show, my determination for life changing behaviour is undermined by a simple letting down of my guard for a brief moment. It leads to a instant, only say 20 minutes give or take, where I am anxious enough, depressed enough, overwhelmed enough, that I simply don’t care. It only takes that small amount of time.

See I began to think that it is not that the people on that show or myself actually don’t care, that we are not hell bent on change, it is simply that for that moment we just give up. And in the moment we choose to do something, like overeat. That choice causes a chain reaction. It is a reaction that undoes all the sacrifice you made that day. It makes you feel weak, and it makes you feel embarrassed. It also puts another chink in the armor of determination that leads you susceptible to another moment, and another.

Now of course the work you put in to changing your life is not completely undone by a moment like that. The healthy foods nourishes your body, the exercises improves your health and strength no matter your weight. But you know you have consumed too many calories in that flash of time for the day to be won for weight loss. And so you try again tomorrow. Hoping to not have that same moment of derailment.

I don’t know how to avoid these moments right now, and I am starting to understand how very dangerous and insidious they can be.  I never could figure out how I can get up each and every morning so determined to hit my calorie goals and in a single act undo it all. It will take a lot of self awareness to fix this I think. While I am not in the condition of the subjects on that TV show, I do feel almost as helpless at times. It has to be possible to do this, and so once again this morning I woke to have a healthy day. As of writing this post this evening I am within my calories for the day and have succeeded at least for the near term, in not having any breaks in my armor of determination.